Senseless

There are really truly no words to describe the tragedy that took place this morning in Connecticut. My heart, like so many other peoples, was ripped apart. I can't begin to think about what it would be like to face that as a parent. So much that I have read and watched online today has brought tears to my eyes. Even the President was deeply affected by this. Regardless of your political affiliation, I think his statements made as a parent were right on the money.

I was saddened and angered to see so much of an instant crush on FB regarding gun control. There are certainly many sides to that whole entire argument, and much to support both sides factually. But today is not the time for that. Today is a time to grieve. Today is a time to pray, and look for ways to support this community.

One of my best friends up in Canada made a very timely statement on FB. To paraphrase, he said that as sad as the shooting was, there was little or no coverage in the media about the 100s of people, many children included, who died this week in Syria. Or of the knife attack in China. His point was one of heart, and focus, and it made me really think about God's heart in this.

As much as I can't imagine what the parents of these beautiful kids are going through right now, unopened Christmas gifts, no more "guess what I made at school today!" no more laughter, no more.....no more, I can't imagine God's heart and how much it breaks on such a constant basis for us all. He is so saddened by loss, by these senseless deaths, He is saddened by the struggle of the young man who apparently had some mental stability issues. He is also saddened by the choices we make in our daily lives that separate us from Him. As a parent, I can't begin to imagine the courage and fortitude it would take to forgive a person for hurting or even killing one of my children. My rage, my anger, my blind fury would be overwhelming for me. Yet that is what God asks us to do, because He did it for us through Christ. He asks us to forgive this incredible and debilitating trespass, as He forgives us our trespasses. Can I? Not yet. I don't think so. I want to, in principle, but I can't. Not without God's help. I think He's patient enough with us to walk us through that process in His own way.

I have had cause to practice a much smaller form of forgiveness as I have walked through the extremely painful breakdown of relationship with the Impact World Tour leadership that happened several years ago. It was a painful betrayal, and it cost us very dearly. But God has met me in my hurt and anger, and has helped me to forgive. Or, at least, is working me slowly towards it.

Times like today are a sobering and painful reminder that God loves us, and He hurts FAR more than we do, over FAR more than we will ever realize. Despite all our trespasses, He pursues us enough that He sent His son to die for us. Tragically, today, that reminder came as a 5 year old.

God, be with those families. There's really no other way to pray, at least not that I can think of.

The Dichotomy

Many of you know that my wife and I are homeschooling our 3 oldest children. We finished our first year, and have just this week started into our second year. Cahira (10) is starting grade 5, Trevan (8) is starting 3rd grade, and Eranae (7) is starting 2nd grade. They have enjoyed the change from public school, in varying levels and for various reasons. 
Everyone who we talked to about our decision was very supportive of it, and most of them encouraged us to stick with it for more than a year, saying that the first year is always the hardest. Going into our second year, Priscilla and I are realizing a few things which present a dichotomy. Allow me to explain.

Our decision to homeschool was based on 2 main factors. First, and probably 90% of the pie chart, was the fact that the school that the kids were attending, Ingels Advanced Elementary, held to a horrible standard of education. Some of you will already know that the Kansas City School District lost its accreditation last year. Honestly, we did enjoy the accolades that all 3 of our kids were awarded at the school, but we came to the point of realizing that we could offer a FAR superior learning experience at home. The second factor, much smaller in scope but still important, was the desire for some freedom in schedule. This is usually high up on the list of factors for most parents who homeschool because, face it. A trip to the zoo is a lot better on a Thursday morning than a Saturday. 

Last year was difficult, but we made it through. We had a hard time figuring out a balanced curriculum, we had a hard time organizing and maintaining a consistent schedule, we had a hard time figuring out what needed to be covered by the end of the school year. But there was also a lot of pluses, too. We were able to spend time focused on each child's strengths and weaknesses in their learning. We were able to make the learning experience a LOT more interactive, and we did have control (for better or worse) over the entire day's schedule. 


This year, I have come to a realization which leads (finally!!) to the dichotomy. Priscilla and I are not supposed to be homeschooling the kids. (GASP!) Why not? Well, there are several factors at play there, too. There are many people in the homeschooling community who would feel that doing anything other than homeschooling your kids is a drastic and negative step backwards. Let me be very clear here. I do not want to do anything which would compromise the quality of the kids' education. Having said that, I feel strongly that Priscilla and I are not the only people who should be responsible for our kids' education. That is not to say that we can't do it, or don't want to. 

Looking at the options we realize that, for the moment, our best solution this year will be to still homeschool the kiddos. But we are praying and trusting this year that Lord will open a door for us to give the kids a good solid education experience somewhere other than our home. Perhaps it will be a Christian school, or some other form of privatized schooling. The major block there is financial. Most schools in our area that we would consider pursuing are around $5000 per year PER CHILD. So $15K a year isn't do-able at all. Not to mention our dear 4th and 5th kiddos, who will be headed in that direction in the next few years. 

Perhaps it will be another public school system outside of the greater Kansas City district. This would require moving to another city, a prospect that seems very dim, given the current housing market, the condition of our house, and the condition of our credit. 

Whatever the case, there is one over-arching reason that has imbedded very deeply in my mind for us to not homeschool. That reason is this: I believe that, while God is asking us to be intimately involved in our childrens' lives, that is not the sole reason He has us here. I have to be very careful in saying that, because I do NOT want to devalue any of the other parents who homeschool in any way. But I feel very strongly that God is stirring something in both Priscilla and I which will place our focus on some other specific ministry, and not on homeschooling the kids. 


I have absolutely no idea what that will be, what it will look like, or how the Lord plans to facilitate our kids education. But the really cool thing is that He already has a plan for it. Maybe we'll be moving somewhere else next year, maybe some cool sponsorship opportunity will come open at a local Christian school, who knows. What I do know is that God is has been preparing Priscilla for something specific in the near future which will consume her time, her focus, and her heart to an extent that she will no longer be able to homeschool the kids. Likewise for me, there is something coming down the tracks which will require my focus as well. Maybe it will be playing a support role to Priscilla. Maybe it will be the band's ministry taking off. God knows what is coming, so I don't need to worry about the details. 

For this year, we will continue to homeschool our kiddos. And next year, if we need to, as well. But it is a transition period, and as God moves us towards this next new phase He will transition the kids into a much more ideal scenario for their learning experience. 

I hope I haven't offended any of the die-hard homeschoolers. I don't mean to at all. I truly respect what you do, and I certainly believe in your mandate from God to do it. Just because our mandate is morphing into something different doesn't mean that I, or anyone else, should view it as more important or more impactful somehow. That's nonsense. We will continue to homeschool our children as long as we feel that there are no better options available to us. When those options do arrive, please know that we don't look at our decision as placing us in a better, smarter, or holier place than your decision to continue with the home-based education of your family. I trust the Lord's guidance in your life as much as in ours. 

I will, of course, be keeping everyone up to date as we feel and hear new direction from the Lord. Please be praying for us. We want to make sure we're following God's Will in every step we take. Whatever our future holds, we want to move into God's plans for us in the right manner, and try not to misstep. 

Thanks for taking the time to read and follow! If you're not connected with me on Facebook, please subscribe to the blog so you don't miss anything. 

Cheers!

Bittersweet

So it's obviously been a while since I last blogged, and I know all of you (both of you) are waiting in anticipation. Well, your perseverance has paid off. Here we go. 

My family took a vacation up to Canada to visit my folks, and many friends. It was the first time in 4 years that we had been to Canada as a family. We left on the 25th of July, stopping in Columbus, OH to see our great friends the Vannattas, then went on to meet my folks up at a cottage in northern Ontario. 

We stayed at the cottage for a week, then went to Stayner Bible Conference Grounds, for a portion of the church family camp which my parents also attend each year. We camped in our tent, all 7 of us. After that, we went to Kitchener, which was my hometown in Canada from the time we returned from Nigeria until my move to the US. It is very much still home to me in many ways, partially because of friends still there, and partially because of so many memories of the formative time of my early 20s. While in Kitchener, we got the chance to connect with a few of our friends, as well as some of our extended family. 

So why bittersweet? Well, to be honest, the vacation itself was bittersweet. It was a wonderful time of reconnecting with my Mum and Dad (I call her Mum in Canada and Mom in the US). We really enjoyed all of the aspects of the stuff that we did, both with our kids, and while connecting with friends over late night drinks (polar bears!!!!). Our time at the cottage was very peaceful. Cilla and I chose to set our alarms for 5am 3 or 4 different mornings to get up and enjoy a cup of tea watching the sun rise over the lake. Truly beautiful. We swam with the kids, we went to an idyllic little church in Sundridge (where we completely overwhelmed the poor teacher of a Sunday school class of 5 by adding 4 of our own kids), we took a cruise on Lake Nipissing, and the kids got the chance to go to VBS at the same little church in Sundridge. We got out in the canoe a few times, and I even managed to take Cahira and Trevan fishing. 

At the family camp, the kids had a great time playing on the playground, and doing activities and crafts twice a day for 4 days. They even got to go see a brand new ultra high tech dairy farm in action that some second cousins of ours own. Really cool stuff. 

But when the time came for us to head back to KC, we felt very much unprepared. There was so much that we wanted to do that we didn't, but there was something more than that. It felt like in some ways we weren't supposed to go back. I know we were, because God has called us to KC, and we haven't felt that mandate and vision change, even though we've prayed about it so often. It was bittersweet for us to leave Canada because to be honest, we like it in Canada much better than we like it here in KC. We have a huge armada of great friends here in KC, no question. But that, we have realized, is the only thing keeping us here. We don't have as many friends in Kitchener, by a long stretch. Our last 11 years have been spent in KC, so of course that is where we've invested ourselves. But there is a sense of something very strong pulling us in Canada. I can't identify it, and I'm not even sure if it's Canada (or our specific situation) that is pulling us, or if it is some other intangible that hasn't revealed itself yet. Whatever it is, it's unsettling. Something is shaking us out of our comfort zone. Is it shaking us out of KC? I don't think so, at least not yet. 

Examining our situation from certain perspectives, I can see that God might be positioning us for some change, some new vision, new focus, new surroundings, whatever. The kids are homeschooled, which means mobility and freedom of schedule, my work is on a contract basis, so I answer only to myself regarding availability. So it could be that He's working us towards some sort of change. But from other perspectives, our work here in KC, our ministry, our church, the band, etc, all point towards us being here long-term. 

So I don't know what we felt in leaving Canada. Perhaps it was the disappointment of a much-too-rushed trip. We were gone on vacation for 20 days, and had it been 30 it would have still felt too short. Not to mention the strain on my folks of housing and feeding our small army. But we felt something that we can't ignore. Something of a check in our spirits which has raised our alertness to see what God is doing, and what He is saying. 

Our response at this point is to simply pray, and seek Him. If His Will is to move us on to some other thing, some other locale, then we are more than ready. If His desire is for us to remain here, continuing in this seemingly endless circle of waiting, then I'm trusting that He will be faithful to give us the grace, patience, and stamina for that. Whatever the case, we will continue to try and follow Him, no matter how unsettling the feeling. 

Grace or Gandhi?

Grace pays the consequence of our sins and shortcomings, and extends to us an invitation to real-life relationship with our Creator. God's grace is given new every day for all time. It meets us right where we're at, and doesn't come with any strings attached to it. By its nature, it is a gift. But following Christ does not come with no strings attached. Too many times we as Christians feel that grace, while it covers our sins, enables a certain level of plateau in our lives. God's grace meets every person where they are at. But if we are to accept His gift  of life which the grace extends, then we are called to change and become more Christ-like every day. 

I read an article on Christianity.com today which discusses Gandhi's famous quote, "your Christ I like, your Christians I don't." It's a great article, and it touches on this idea a bit. It states, correctly, that Gandhi was speaking on his personal interpretation; who he thought Christ was. He did not live his life purposing to become more Christ-like. But he did apparently notice this lack in other Christians. 

This quote has been used countless times to pronounce judgement on hypocritical Christians, and it has been used even further to simply write off Christians altogether. Many times, people accompany this quote with a statement like, "Gandhi had his Jesus, you have yours, I have mine." Like there are multiple Jesus's, or perhaps Jesus is open to each individual's interpretation. He is not. There is only one Christ. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. His life and teachings and guidance are not open to interpretation. What we can know of Him is detailed in the Bible, and is revealed through the Holy Spirit's guidance each day. 

Are we as Christians in danger of interpreting our own Christ when we plateau in our growth? When we remain stagnant in our daily lives, and don't seek to grow, are we truly honoring the gift of grace extended to us? Are we interpreting what we think our relationship with Christ should look like? There's a lot of grey area there, and it can be very costly. We will certainly continue to fall flat on our faces every day. We're human. That is the very reason God extends grace to us daily. But if we claim to follow Christ and His teachings, then we must strive to grow every day. We must, as Paul writes, switch from mother's milk to meat & potatoes. 

I believe that when people look at our lives, this process of growth (including all the failings) is what shows Christ in our lives best. Not good actions, nice words, consistent tithing, church attendance, or even (gasp!) fiery blogs. What do people see in your life? Do you want to show Christ to others? Show them your journey. Not some plateau of compromises and interpretations. And yes, I'm writing this to myself. 

Jerusalem Peace Treaty

I, the undersigned, do swear to take upon myself the action and consequence of all wrongdoing for all mankind. I do swear to fulfill all consequential obligation to debts held by all wrongdoing. My action, and the bearing of this punishment of death shall hereto render all debt against wrongdoing fulfilled for all time, for all people. I alone can stand in this place, as I am blameless and have fulfilled all obligation to law and duty. My desire in doing this is so that those parties involved in wrongdoing may yet have access to relationship with my Father through Me. 
I do swear to defeat evil, death, and the grave through this action I will undertake, and by this defeat, guarantee access to eternal life and the same level of victory for all who follow Me. I do swear that I will give over My Life, that others who follow Me should have access to this same Life by relinquishing control of their own lives. I do this for no other reason than to offer this gift of Life to each and every person for all eternity. I do hereby swear this, and cover and sign this Treaty with My Blood. 


Signed, 


Jesus Christ

Rite of Passage

This is a very broad topic, and I may well end up with many many posts on it.

 A couple of close friends are processing the idea of a rite of passage that can be offered to those men (of any age) who feel they would like to mark their passage to manhood with a distinct rite of passage. 

I have processed this idea a bit for my two sons as well. They're obviously too young now to understand any of that, but in time, they will be ready. As their father, and as the leader of their family, I need to be the one to call them to the rite of passage. That led me to this thought:


There are always 2 people involved in any rite of passage. First, the young man who is ready to go through this ritual. Second, the one who stands in a role of authority over this young man. This leader, father, chief, king, etc, has but one criteria he must have fulfilled to sit in this position of authority. He must have already completed the ritual. If there is no one present who has completed the ritual, the young man attempting the rite has no guidance, no inspiration, no challenge. The rite of passage simply cannot happen without both of these people in place. 

Perhaps this can be viewed as somewhat of an indictment on men in Western society in general. Books like Eldredge's Wild At Heart and others eschew the fact that men have been largely neutered by the pressures of western society. How men are portrayed in film, in the media, in general, is not often very glorifying. One wonders if many men in today's age have not really truly undergone a rite of passage because they have not had a leader standing on the other side of the bed of burning coals, arms crossed with a viking expression on their faces, challenging them to pass the ritual because they have already done so, as their fathers before them did. 

For my part, I want to be that father to my boys. More importantly, I want them to know that God desires for them to go through a holy rite of passage in their journey to become the men He wants them to be. 


I will see my sons grow up to be mighty men of God. To do that, they need a rite of passage. They must slay the dragon, win the maiden, and walk across the bed of coals. Then they will be able to look their sons' in their eyes and issue the challenge to them. 

An Old Friend....

An old family member is leaving us today, headed for a scrap yard somewhere. 

Our Jeep is finally getting junked. It's a sad day, honestly, because this vehicle has been so faithful for us. We purchased this vehicle in 2002 from Clyde Vest at Vest Auto Sales in North KC. He won the prize because he needed no credit check, and took monthly payments that we could manage. Prior to this purchase, we owned a 1988 Chevy Cavalier 4 door with 418K on it. The floorboards had rotted through in the back, and we could see daylight under our seats. When that died, we purchased the Jeep. The first thing Priscilla and I did when we took the Jeep from the lot was to drive over to Johnson county and drive slowly through neighborhoods, looking at all the fancy homes. We always felt the glares and stares of people when we did that in the Cavalier. So we cruised. It was awesome. 

Over the course of the last 10 years, that Jeep developed a number of cosmetic and electronic ticks, but it started every time, and ran well. The straight 6 engine is still one of the easiest to work on. They're practically bulletproof.

However, this vehicle wasn't totally without fault, and those faults were often very curse-inducing. I've decided, in celebration of her life, to list some of the little nuances of our life with Old Faithful. 

Something in the climate of this area of the midwest gives lead to a lot of corrosion buildup on the battery terminals. We got stranded several times with this issue. When we finally learned how to cope with it, it was as simple as wiggling the positive lead wires going into the clamp on the terminal. Old Faithful would spring back to life. We came to call this the "Lazarus" move. 

Electrical issues were a minor inconvenience which got worse and worse over the life of the Jeep. At first, we had a few scares when the on-board computer display read "Engine Oil Level Low". Several sessions with the code reader finally alerted us to an electrical fault in the sensor, buried IN the engine block itself. Since I didn't want to pull the whole engine for a sensor, we moved on, and checked oil levels regularly. 

Electrical pt 2 - Out of the clear blue sky one day, my CD player stopped working. For those of you that know me, you know that equates to my world stopping. I checked fuses, wiring, traced the whole carriage as far as I could, all to no avail. I remember long days sitting in traffic on 71 in the August heat, windows down, with no music to comfort me. I resorted to listening to my iPod on longer drives, as dangerous as that was. 

Electrical pt 3 - the horn. This developed a little later on, when the Jeep amazed us with a newly discovered ability to honk the horn whenever I would switch the high beams on or off. An inconvenience at best, at least until one day we pulled up to a stop sign on Byars Rd. A young man was waiting to cross in front of us, so I waved him on as we came to a stop. As he got right in front of the Jeep, the horn went off on its own, a good 2 second blast. He jumped, I jumped, Priscilla crawled under the front seat to hide, and it all went downhill from there. When we got home, I reached under the car and disconnected the wiring leads to the horn. No more voice for Old Faithful. 

Electrical pt 4 - the on board computer informed us regularly that one or more lamps was out in different locations on the vehicle. (Tail light, reverse lamps, brake lights, turn signals, license plate, etc.) We learned to ignore this, but it made things difficult when one of those lamps did actually go out. A friendly Leawood police woman helped remind me of that with a ticket. I swallowed the cost of the ticket, knowing she didn't care to hear that fixing the problem would require a complete redo of the entire wiring system of the Jeep, a $1500 job. 

The windshield washer fluid motor died fairly early on, about 6 years ago. Shortly after that, the reservoir cracked, so I took it completely out in the hopes of purchasing another one. Ironically, the wipers worked on it the whole time. They lost the ability to work on intermittent, but still had normal and fast operation. Winters, with the salt on the road, made travel difficult. Several trips to Colorado and Canada during the winter months saw us pulled over on the side of the road, scooping snow onto the windshield to act as washer fluid. 

The AC only worked for 3 years. We tried to get it recharged, but it just never ran cold. Eventually, something got stuck in the system, and the heater was always on. Even in the summer. You couldn't shut it off. The worst part of that was taking a phonecall when you were driving, because you'd have to roll up the windows to hear anything. Brutal. 

The oil pressure gauge stopped working, the engine temperature gauge stopped working, and the fuel gauge stopped working. The engine eventually started leaking oil quite a bit. To the tune of 2 quarts a week by the end. 

The paint job on the Jeep was horrible, a fact attributed to (apparently) a bad primer coating at the factory. It was a little past the warranty period by the time I bought it, so we lived with it. The paint chipped and peeled off, and the entire roof rusted quite quickly. 

The rear bumper rusted so badly at its joints that the left side fell down off the frame. The only thing holding the bumper on was a towing hitch that I installed a few years ago. 

The headliner started to get little holes in it from wear and tear. This I attribute to my kids. I also attribute to them the ripping that took place, even under pain of death threats. 

The doors on the Jeep had a bad design feature in that they started to droop on their hinges after several years. This led to the lock mechanism getting damaged, and eventually the whole clasp system being pushed into the sheet metal. This meant the door could not latch shut. At all. In fact, after we replaced the driver door (to the tune of $650 + labour) we resorted to using bandanas to tie the doors shut on the Jeep. If the bandana wasn't in place, the door would swing wide open going around a corner. It was always fun leaving a store or church or somewhere and watching the looks from people as Cilla and I lowered our windows front and back by 8 inches, threw our bandanas around the door posts, tied them shut, and rolled the windows back up. I think people figured we were flying gang signs. 

The faceplate around the center console of the car snapped from repeated vibrations, and it would always get caught in the shifter, often jamming and scraping my knuckles when I put it in reverse. 

Another factor for us was the fact that our family didn't fit in the Jeep. Not since we had 3 kids had it worked to safely transport the family. We purchased a 2002 Mountaineer in 09, used it for 6 months, and then it broke down for most of the time between then and last October. While we were making payments on our Mountaineer sitting lumped in our driveway, we still drove the family around in the Jeep. 2 older kids in the back, 3 younger in the seats, and Cilla and I. 

Sigh. Despite all these things, Old Faithful was exactly that. Other than things like starters, alternators, radiators, brakes, hub assemblies, etc, I never had to do any heavy engine or drivetrain work on it. It leaked oil, yes, but we stayed on top of it. Both Cilla and I checked oil levels all the time, and we added oil as needed. There were many points where it would start running like a diesel, chuffing and puffing smoke, and stuttering. We'd pull into a gas station, add 4 quarts of oil, and be off running as smooth as ever. Amazing engine. That Jeep just really wouldn't quit. Right up until it sat for a few months when the tags expired last October, it started every time you turned the key. The engine was definitely getting rougher, but still strong. The transmission and 4WD system worked fine every time we needed it, which meant a lot to me when I had to be out of town and Cilla and the kids were driving in the snow.  Despite its numerous flaws, it is still the most comfortable vehicle I have ever driven, trumping even an S Class Mercedes I drove because of it's higher stance and visibility. The Jeep made it all the way to 323K miles. Pretty crazy. What's really wild is that last year, also out of the clear blue sky, the CD player started working again. Just decided to one day. Awesome. 

We love that Old Faithful Jeep. But it's not only because it was a great vehicle for us. At times, it felt like our worst enemy. No, we love it because it was the tangible presence of God's provision for us sitting in our driveway. In some ways, God spoke to us through that vehicle. I'll get you where you're going. Trust me. Of course, it let us down many times, and God never has. But that Jeep in our driveway gave us so much cause to be thankful. It forced us on our faces in gratitude when we would drive past broken down and abandoned cars on the side of the road, many of them newer and shinier than the Jeep. 

The Jeep was (and is) also a summary of our time in KC. When we moved here in 2001, we never imagined we would last this long here. Yet, like the Jeep, our lives have kept on going here. Our lives have had their share of doors falling off and oil leaks, but we are here because of God's grace, and by His leading. 

Today we said goodbye to the Jeep finally. It has been sitting on the roadside since last October. 

The brakes finally gave out, and we spent Halloween driving my brother-in-law John's Jeep. We had run out of options. Our family vehicle was getting a new engine, but was still in the shop. The Jeep was done, tags expired, and wouldn't pass a safety inspection even if we bribed someone. But God, like He always does, had something up His sleeve. In 48 hours, we went from no Jeep to a 2002 Mountaineer, AND a 2000 Windstar, a HUGE gift from some close friends.

Gone are the days of the Jeep. It is sad today, as we close the 10 year era of what God has done in our lives. But we look ahead to the next 10 with assurance that God is with us, still directing us. And yes, the next work vehicle I buy will be another Jeep Grand Cherokee.