Holy Holy Holy

So I’ve been reading The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges, which has been kicking my butt every time I pick it up. It’s so chock full of amazing insight into the Holy character of God, and following in His footsteps. One thing that Bridges establishes right from the get-go is that God’s perfect holiness is something we can never attain, but that we should nonetheless be headed in that direction. To quote, “God does not accept the excuse ‘Well, that’s just the way I am,’ or even the more hopeful statement, ‘Well, I’m still growing in that area of my life.’ No, God’s holiness does not make allowance for minor flaws or shortcomings in our personal character.”

Wow. Taken out of context, this quote could pretty much destroy someone’s attempts at personal growth. “Why bother? I’ll never be as holy as God. In fact, I’ll never be holy enough to merit anything but death.” True, but that is the wonder of God’s grace. His Son covered our sin, our shortcomings, our minor flaws, our everything. Because of Him, we can stand in front of God and be recognized as holy.

Obviously Paul was clear that this isn’t an excuse to abuse that grace. Yet in a way, I think that is exactly what happens when we accept the compromises in our lives that echo the quote above. There are areas in all of our lives that we write off or excuse through similar statements. Whether these are made publicly, or voiced quietly inside our minds at night in our rooms, these are statements that do 2 things. First, it acknowledges that we accept compromise. Second, it turns us away from the offer of grace that God has extended through Christ.

This is the great dichotomy of the Christian life, that we know we will never be anything other than sinners deserving of death, yet we will never see that death because of Christ’s great sacrifice for us. He died for our sins, whether or not we accept Him, or choose to follow Him.

As I’ve spent time processing the weight of this book with God, I’ve realized that I have a tendency to see evidence of this in others’ lives. There is a point of (almost) righteous indignation that allows me to point a finger at someone else who I see as accepting compromise in their lives. Someone who says, “that’s just the way I am” in effect questions God’s ability to change them. In its own way, it is a terrible compromise. But, it’s also not a damned bit of my business. Here is the point where the Holy Spirit gently reminds me of the log in my own eye, and I’m forced to look at my own life, my own choices, and yes, my own compromises. For all the huffing, puffing, and posturing, I am chief among sinners. I have so many areas of compromise in my life that it twists me into a dark, festering, wounded ball of self-loathing and guilt. Yet when I examine these areas, I end up wanting to hold on to the compromises like Gollum to the One Ring. And, like sad Gollum, these compromises continue to corrupt and distort the longer I hold to them.

Yet I think that true freedom comes from the revelation that God never intended for us to strive for holiness in our own strength. First, He sent His Son to die for us, opening the door to Love, vibrant, shaking, terrible, awesome Love that covers all. Second, He sent the Holy Spirit as a comforter, encourager, lifter of our heads. There is SO much wrapped up in the gift of God’s grace. But he does require holiness. He does require growth. His Character is such that He can only demand it. So, despite He completing 99.999% of the work, there is still a conscious action that we must take.

We must commit. We must pursue living with no compromise. We must try to live holy lives, focusing each day not on our flaws and shortcomings, but focusing on the gift given to us. We must pray and seek God’s grace, His Mercy, and His Love, but we must seek His Face in the light of His Holiness. As Bridges says in the book, “The holiness of God is an exceedingly high standard, a perfect standard. But it is nevertheless one He holds us to. He cannot do less.”

And so we press on. Through Christ, and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we truly can “be holy, for I am Holy.”

Easter Sunrise Service

Easter has always been a wonderful time of year for me, because growing up in Nigeria, we celebrated Easter in a wonderful way. Good Friday was a holiday, but a solemn one, with a contemplative service in the evening. 

Easter Sunday morning was one of my favorite traditions of all time, because we had a sunrise service out by the dam. It was so cold, and I remember seeing cars pulling up in the darkness, and families getting out their lawn chairs and blankets, setting them up to the east, over the other side of the reservoir.

 I always remember the begrudging attitudes I had when getting up, not wanting to be up that early, but combined with an excitement for the day. I don't remember much of the content of the actual service, but obviously the gist of it isn't hard to imagine. What I do remember were the sunrises themselves. I may be totally biased, but I remember those as some of the most magnificent sunrises anywhere that I have ever seen.

 I don't know if the sunrise did the service justice, or the other way around, but either way, they worked perfectly in tandem. There is no greater metaphor in my mind for Christ's resurrection than a sunrise. And so, with every sunrise that I see, I'm reminded of those Easter Sunday services, shivering in a blanket by the edge of a dirty brown reservoir in Jos, Nigeria. And more than that, I'm reminded of the power of Christ's resurrection. The power He gives to us through His Holy Spirit. And I'm reminded that, if He conquered death and paid for our sins all in one deft blow, there will be many more sunrise reminders, just for me. 

Responsibility

It seems that society loosely defines responsibility as "doing the things you have to do instead of the things you want to do." This is often referring to a job, or career. Someone who spends their time loafing around, living off the goodwill of others, doing whatever they want would certainly be defined as "irresponsible." As a musician, I would prefer to spend most, if not all, of my time creating music and helping others to do so. But I am not one of the priviledged few whose music provides for their sustenance and their family's needs, so I take on work to cover the bills and provisions. I firmly believe I'm supposed to, as a husband, and a father. I would never put my family's well-being and survival at risk to pursue any of my musical goals. Yet, I am faced with the same dilemma that many deal with, which is that of my provisory work taking so much of my time, focus, energy, and commitment that I have hardly anything left with which to fuel my creative process. Working to make enough money to free up my time to pursue music means that I have no time to pursue music. Quite a dichotomy. One that many can relate to. Also, unfortunately, one that has caused the death of much talent, vision, and creativity far too soon. So many of my friends whose creativity was a bright shining light have chosen to hang up their guitar, sticks, and their talents. This is so sad to me, and also very scary. There is a constant tearing of two worlds from my perspective. One is work. It must be done, and it must be done very well and thoroughly. I am not the sort of person to rush or half-ass a job simply because my heart isn't in it. And so I dive in deep to solve problems, make things happen, etc. I am proud of my work, even when it's largely wasted on a drunk audience. The other is my creativity. This is the world I would MUCH rather be in, because it is not only deeply fulfilling, but it is also a lot easier for me to connect with and worship God. So the dilemma exists. And it is a long-term one. Yet I'm left wondering if this isn't the way it should be anyways. Having this constant tearing has not led me to a place of hanging up my sticks. In fact, it has driven me harder in the other direction. It has allowed me to savor the few moments when creativity flares like a struck match. It has made me proud to say that I am a musician, because that is what is in my heart, if not what is filling my bank account. Slowly I'm coming to the place of realizing that the tearing IS my muse. There is no art without urgency, and so my promise to myself is likewise urgent. I will never ever hang up my sticks. I will never get to a place of telling the "I used to" stories. In the midst of the tearing, I will never let my talent and creativity die. God didn't put me here for that.

Prophetic? Pathetic?

The last few weekends at church the focus has been on the “prophetic”, and last Sunday the church hosted a service which was designed to allow people to participate in and practice the ideology of the prophetic. The service was split into three sections, each catering to a different group. First section was geared towards the corporate body, and as people had a word directed towards the church as a whole, they shared publicly from the stage. The second section was more individual in nature, with several “prophetic” teams consisting mostly of elders, pastoral staff, and a few others. Those in the congregation were invited to come to one of the teams and be ministered to.  The third section was along the same lines, in that it provided opportunity for anyone in the congregation to share with anyone else.  The worship team (which I was a part of) played during the service, lending ambience and vibe to the proceedings.

I have to say that the service was a little difficult for me.  I will confess that I’m fairly unfamiliar with the “prophetic” movement, and what little I know of it is tied to very negative experiences from the early 90s when the Vineyard movement in Ontario was just starting. Most of these experiences were uncomfortable, mainly consisting of people praying for me to receive some gift of the Holy Spirit, be it tongues, or prophesying, or something else; and the prerequisite for receiving this gift seemed to be a posture of faking it, yelling, speaking complete gibberish, and generally making a grand show of oneself. I have always been a firm believer that the Holy Spirit is a gentleman, and not prone to show-boating or requiring acts of public humiliation to draw near to Him and receive gifts from Him. Thus, when people browbeat me and said that I wasn't willing to act the way they saw fit, I withdrew and decided that I was quite content with all of the other great gifts the Holy Spirit had imparted to me. In fact, I have come to the conclusion more recently that I am having a difficult enough time being faithful with the gifts and talents that I already have, so I don’t really need to seek out adding others.

At this point, I’m certain it sounds like I have a big problem with prophetic ministry. In truth, I don’t at all. I have a problem when people attempt to package and formulate and REPLICATE the work of the Holy Spirit. When the Lord moves in someone’s life, it is a wonderful thing. I suppose it is reasonable to expect that others would want to replicate the experience, but I believe that sells one quite short of what God has in store for them. When a person receives a word of encouragement from the Holy Spirit for another person, or for a group of people, it is a very awesome thing, and it is always accompanied by guidance, direction, and confirmation. But when a person attempts to regurgitate that word in a different setting, for a different group, it has the potential to divert their attention from the Giver of the gift to the gift itself. This is not only wrong, but it’s sad, too, because often times people are so focused on what God said to another person that they miss what God is saying to them!

I have had to defend the gift of prophecy at times, too. Perhaps the main forum has been in my own mind, although I have had many conversations with others who are totally turned off by anything prophetic. The gift of prophecy, foresight, intuition, discernment, reading another’s “mail”, etc., can be an amazing thing when it is given and received in the way the Holy Spirit intends. It brings conviction to the sinner, encouragement to the down-trodden, and life to the dying. I do not claim to be a theologian, or a scholar, or anything of the sort. I am only stating my opinion and position on prophetic ministry. What I have learned and observed is this: when a word comes truly from the Lord, its ultimate end is to give glory to God. It does not destroy, break down, embarrass, single out, condemn, or deride. The work of the prophetic is to challenge, convict, encourage, edify, build up, restore, and reconcile all to God. This has been my litmus test for many different words of prophecy, spoken not only to me, but to others as well.

With that in mind, I am reflecting back on our service last Sunday. There was some weirdness, certainly, but there was actually a lot of encouragement. There were strange visions shared, and there were words given which seemed out of place and ill-suited for the setting. But God is a lot bigger than our ability to mess up, thankfully, which is why I find myself excited about the potential of prophetic ministry at our church. I’m grateful for a staff that, despite their own misgivings, is willing to wade into the river and risk the bad to get to the good. Because while the bad stuff sucks, and can be distracting and divisive; the good stuff is REALLY good! 

Senseless

There are really truly no words to describe the tragedy that took place this morning in Connecticut. My heart, like so many other peoples, was ripped apart. I can't begin to think about what it would be like to face that as a parent. So much that I have read and watched online today has brought tears to my eyes. Even the President was deeply affected by this. Regardless of your political affiliation, I think his statements made as a parent were right on the money.

I was saddened and angered to see so much of an instant crush on FB regarding gun control. There are certainly many sides to that whole entire argument, and much to support both sides factually. But today is not the time for that. Today is a time to grieve. Today is a time to pray, and look for ways to support this community.

One of my best friends up in Canada made a very timely statement on FB. To paraphrase, he said that as sad as the shooting was, there was little or no coverage in the media about the 100s of people, many children included, who died this week in Syria. Or of the knife attack in China. His point was one of heart, and focus, and it made me really think about God's heart in this.

As much as I can't imagine what the parents of these beautiful kids are going through right now, unopened Christmas gifts, no more "guess what I made at school today!" no more laughter, no more.....no more, I can't imagine God's heart and how much it breaks on such a constant basis for us all. He is so saddened by loss, by these senseless deaths, He is saddened by the struggle of the young man who apparently had some mental stability issues. He is also saddened by the choices we make in our daily lives that separate us from Him. As a parent, I can't begin to imagine the courage and fortitude it would take to forgive a person for hurting or even killing one of my children. My rage, my anger, my blind fury would be overwhelming for me. Yet that is what God asks us to do, because He did it for us through Christ. He asks us to forgive this incredible and debilitating trespass, as He forgives us our trespasses. Can I? Not yet. I don't think so. I want to, in principle, but I can't. Not without God's help. I think He's patient enough with us to walk us through that process in His own way.

I have had cause to practice a much smaller form of forgiveness as I have walked through the extremely painful breakdown of relationship with the Impact World Tour leadership that happened several years ago. It was a painful betrayal, and it cost us very dearly. But God has met me in my hurt and anger, and has helped me to forgive. Or, at least, is working me slowly towards it.

Times like today are a sobering and painful reminder that God loves us, and He hurts FAR more than we do, over FAR more than we will ever realize. Despite all our trespasses, He pursues us enough that He sent His son to die for us. Tragically, today, that reminder came as a 5 year old.

God, be with those families. There's really no other way to pray, at least not that I can think of.

The Dichotomy

Many of you know that my wife and I are homeschooling our 3 oldest children. We finished our first year, and have just this week started into our second year. Cahira (10) is starting grade 5, Trevan (8) is starting 3rd grade, and Eranae (7) is starting 2nd grade. They have enjoyed the change from public school, in varying levels and for various reasons. 
Everyone who we talked to about our decision was very supportive of it, and most of them encouraged us to stick with it for more than a year, saying that the first year is always the hardest. Going into our second year, Priscilla and I are realizing a few things which present a dichotomy. Allow me to explain.

Our decision to homeschool was based on 2 main factors. First, and probably 90% of the pie chart, was the fact that the school that the kids were attending, Ingels Advanced Elementary, held to a horrible standard of education. Some of you will already know that the Kansas City School District lost its accreditation last year. Honestly, we did enjoy the accolades that all 3 of our kids were awarded at the school, but we came to the point of realizing that we could offer a FAR superior learning experience at home. The second factor, much smaller in scope but still important, was the desire for some freedom in schedule. This is usually high up on the list of factors for most parents who homeschool because, face it. A trip to the zoo is a lot better on a Thursday morning than a Saturday. 

Last year was difficult, but we made it through. We had a hard time figuring out a balanced curriculum, we had a hard time organizing and maintaining a consistent schedule, we had a hard time figuring out what needed to be covered by the end of the school year. But there was also a lot of pluses, too. We were able to spend time focused on each child's strengths and weaknesses in their learning. We were able to make the learning experience a LOT more interactive, and we did have control (for better or worse) over the entire day's schedule. 


This year, I have come to a realization which leads (finally!!) to the dichotomy. Priscilla and I are not supposed to be homeschooling the kids. (GASP!) Why not? Well, there are several factors at play there, too. There are many people in the homeschooling community who would feel that doing anything other than homeschooling your kids is a drastic and negative step backwards. Let me be very clear here. I do not want to do anything which would compromise the quality of the kids' education. Having said that, I feel strongly that Priscilla and I are not the only people who should be responsible for our kids' education. That is not to say that we can't do it, or don't want to. 

Looking at the options we realize that, for the moment, our best solution this year will be to still homeschool the kiddos. But we are praying and trusting this year that Lord will open a door for us to give the kids a good solid education experience somewhere other than our home. Perhaps it will be a Christian school, or some other form of privatized schooling. The major block there is financial. Most schools in our area that we would consider pursuing are around $5000 per year PER CHILD. So $15K a year isn't do-able at all. Not to mention our dear 4th and 5th kiddos, who will be headed in that direction in the next few years. 

Perhaps it will be another public school system outside of the greater Kansas City district. This would require moving to another city, a prospect that seems very dim, given the current housing market, the condition of our house, and the condition of our credit. 

Whatever the case, there is one over-arching reason that has imbedded very deeply in my mind for us to not homeschool. That reason is this: I believe that, while God is asking us to be intimately involved in our childrens' lives, that is not the sole reason He has us here. I have to be very careful in saying that, because I do NOT want to devalue any of the other parents who homeschool in any way. But I feel very strongly that God is stirring something in both Priscilla and I which will place our focus on some other specific ministry, and not on homeschooling the kids. 


I have absolutely no idea what that will be, what it will look like, or how the Lord plans to facilitate our kids education. But the really cool thing is that He already has a plan for it. Maybe we'll be moving somewhere else next year, maybe some cool sponsorship opportunity will come open at a local Christian school, who knows. What I do know is that God is has been preparing Priscilla for something specific in the near future which will consume her time, her focus, and her heart to an extent that she will no longer be able to homeschool the kids. Likewise for me, there is something coming down the tracks which will require my focus as well. Maybe it will be playing a support role to Priscilla. Maybe it will be the band's ministry taking off. God knows what is coming, so I don't need to worry about the details. 

For this year, we will continue to homeschool our kiddos. And next year, if we need to, as well. But it is a transition period, and as God moves us towards this next new phase He will transition the kids into a much more ideal scenario for their learning experience. 

I hope I haven't offended any of the die-hard homeschoolers. I don't mean to at all. I truly respect what you do, and I certainly believe in your mandate from God to do it. Just because our mandate is morphing into something different doesn't mean that I, or anyone else, should view it as more important or more impactful somehow. That's nonsense. We will continue to homeschool our children as long as we feel that there are no better options available to us. When those options do arrive, please know that we don't look at our decision as placing us in a better, smarter, or holier place than your decision to continue with the home-based education of your family. I trust the Lord's guidance in your life as much as in ours. 

I will, of course, be keeping everyone up to date as we feel and hear new direction from the Lord. Please be praying for us. We want to make sure we're following God's Will in every step we take. Whatever our future holds, we want to move into God's plans for us in the right manner, and try not to misstep. 

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Cheers!

Bittersweet

So it's obviously been a while since I last blogged, and I know all of you (both of you) are waiting in anticipation. Well, your perseverance has paid off. Here we go. 

My family took a vacation up to Canada to visit my folks, and many friends. It was the first time in 4 years that we had been to Canada as a family. We left on the 25th of July, stopping in Columbus, OH to see our great friends the Vannattas, then went on to meet my folks up at a cottage in northern Ontario. 

We stayed at the cottage for a week, then went to Stayner Bible Conference Grounds, for a portion of the church family camp which my parents also attend each year. We camped in our tent, all 7 of us. After that, we went to Kitchener, which was my hometown in Canada from the time we returned from Nigeria until my move to the US. It is very much still home to me in many ways, partially because of friends still there, and partially because of so many memories of the formative time of my early 20s. While in Kitchener, we got the chance to connect with a few of our friends, as well as some of our extended family. 

So why bittersweet? Well, to be honest, the vacation itself was bittersweet. It was a wonderful time of reconnecting with my Mum and Dad (I call her Mum in Canada and Mom in the US). We really enjoyed all of the aspects of the stuff that we did, both with our kids, and while connecting with friends over late night drinks (polar bears!!!!). Our time at the cottage was very peaceful. Cilla and I chose to set our alarms for 5am 3 or 4 different mornings to get up and enjoy a cup of tea watching the sun rise over the lake. Truly beautiful. We swam with the kids, we went to an idyllic little church in Sundridge (where we completely overwhelmed the poor teacher of a Sunday school class of 5 by adding 4 of our own kids), we took a cruise on Lake Nipissing, and the kids got the chance to go to VBS at the same little church in Sundridge. We got out in the canoe a few times, and I even managed to take Cahira and Trevan fishing. 

At the family camp, the kids had a great time playing on the playground, and doing activities and crafts twice a day for 4 days. They even got to go see a brand new ultra high tech dairy farm in action that some second cousins of ours own. Really cool stuff. 

But when the time came for us to head back to KC, we felt very much unprepared. There was so much that we wanted to do that we didn't, but there was something more than that. It felt like in some ways we weren't supposed to go back. I know we were, because God has called us to KC, and we haven't felt that mandate and vision change, even though we've prayed about it so often. It was bittersweet for us to leave Canada because to be honest, we like it in Canada much better than we like it here in KC. We have a huge armada of great friends here in KC, no question. But that, we have realized, is the only thing keeping us here. We don't have as many friends in Kitchener, by a long stretch. Our last 11 years have been spent in KC, so of course that is where we've invested ourselves. But there is a sense of something very strong pulling us in Canada. I can't identify it, and I'm not even sure if it's Canada (or our specific situation) that is pulling us, or if it is some other intangible that hasn't revealed itself yet. Whatever it is, it's unsettling. Something is shaking us out of our comfort zone. Is it shaking us out of KC? I don't think so, at least not yet. 

Examining our situation from certain perspectives, I can see that God might be positioning us for some change, some new vision, new focus, new surroundings, whatever. The kids are homeschooled, which means mobility and freedom of schedule, my work is on a contract basis, so I answer only to myself regarding availability. So it could be that He's working us towards some sort of change. But from other perspectives, our work here in KC, our ministry, our church, the band, etc, all point towards us being here long-term. 

So I don't know what we felt in leaving Canada. Perhaps it was the disappointment of a much-too-rushed trip. We were gone on vacation for 20 days, and had it been 30 it would have still felt too short. Not to mention the strain on my folks of housing and feeding our small army. But we felt something that we can't ignore. Something of a check in our spirits which has raised our alertness to see what God is doing, and what He is saying. 

Our response at this point is to simply pray, and seek Him. If His Will is to move us on to some other thing, some other locale, then we are more than ready. If His desire is for us to remain here, continuing in this seemingly endless circle of waiting, then I'm trusting that He will be faithful to give us the grace, patience, and stamina for that. Whatever the case, we will continue to try and follow Him, no matter how unsettling the feeling.