Only the Lonely

I travel a lot for work. Those of you who are around me a fair bit in my circle in KC know this to be an understatement. I'm sure compared to an airline pilot or the Canadian Ambassador to Guyana, I don't travel that much. But for a husband and father of 5, I am gone an awful lot. 

Thing is, I actually really enjoy what I do for a living. There are 2 great regrets that I have as I examine my chosen "career" path. First, that the work requires so often that I am gone from my family. Not just gone, mind you, but gone for more than a day or two here or there. I am currently doing a job for a company that has me located in Junction City, KS. I am in my second week, and will be here a full month by the time my contract ends. I get to travel back to KC on the weekends, but that's it. 

The second great regret is that I have not had opportunity to earn my way with a pair of drumsticks in my hands. 


This is not only a disappointment, but a surprise as well. I fully and realistically expected that drumming and percussion would be the only marketable skill that I had in my repertoire. I keep telling myself that I wouldn't want drumming to become work, that it would spoil it for me, etc etc, but in truth I'm just bummed that it has never worked out. I never got that break, that open door, that phone call or email. I've had lots of close calls, but none have ever placed me in a position of making money with my drumsticks. 


Ironically, that's not what this blog post is about at all. Like I said, I do enjoy what I do, despite having to leave my family and beautiful (patient, saintly, wonderful) wife at home often. One of the main things that I enjoy about the work I do is that it is a good balance of technical know-how and relationships. I am a creature of relationship. Its what I was made for, and it's what I thrive on. I enjoy cultivating relationships with everyone that I work with. So it is with some surprise and dismay that I find myself in a very foreign position. I am lonely. 

Let me explain why this is foreign to me. Priscilla and I will be celebrating 14 years of marriage this September 4th, which means that she has been the central focus of my entire existence for close to 16 years now. Together we have 5 children, whom now all compete with my wife for their place in that focus. I am deeply involved with my band, Death & Desire, a brotherhood of 3 men determined to grab our little corner of the musical sphere by the throat and put it in a death grip and make it listen to what we have to say. I'm also very connected to a ton of close friends via different circles; music, church, work, etc. All of those relationships mean the world to me, and I try very hard to maintain and deeply commit to each of them. I try to keep the entire clock of cogs and gears and arms and wheels running in top shape, and at top speed. I love to fill my schedule with as much playtime with kiddos, dates with pretty wife, coffee/beer/moroccan/sushi with friends, playing drums at church, etc, etc, etc as I possibly can.

I really do honestly take a Carpe Diem approach to relationships in my life. As you can imagine, this makes for quite a busy schedule, brimming with connectivity and relationship. That is why this feeling of loneliness is so foreign to me. 


Last December, I felt God asking me to take some time to go and be in solitude on a sort of personal retreat. I did so with some trepidation because it was the first time I can remember in my life where I conscientiously sought out solitude. And it was wonderful. Because I wasn't alone, I was with the Lord. It was a great and amazing and perfectly humbling time, and I can't wait for the next time. 


But it also was not lonely. This is. Lonely is a feeling that jumps on you out of nowhere. It catches you totally off guard and brings sudden tears streaming down your cheeks as you go through the familiar ritual of saying goodbye to your family. Lonely squeezes your ribcage when you are driving down a highway at dusk and points out how alone you are. Lonely makes everything from fog to a song on the radio stab your soul with sharp stinging needles. I don't like lonely. Lonely sucks. 

I should pause for a moment here and give mention to the guys that I'm working with on this job. They are really great guys. I get along very well with them. We have eaten numerous lunches and even a couple dinners together already, and I am enjoying building relationship with them. But they head to their respective lives directly after work. I don't see them, and that is ok, because they are not like me with regards to relationship, and they don't need to be. 


But lonely still sucks. I'm not built for lonely. I'm built for speed. For life. For relationship. For the humming, whirring, clock of my existence, even with all its grease and mess and terrible maintenance. I'm built for more than lonely. 


Yet this seems to be where God has me, at least for the moment. Lonely. I know I'm not alone. He is here with me, just as He was in the little cottage on Lake Pomme De Terre in central Missouri. He is here. And I think, just maybe, He's wanting me to learn a thing or two about being lonely. 


Life will roll on. My weekends are already totally full, trying to desperately juggle all the pieces of my clock. I look forward to it. But I'm praying that I can learn from, and maybe even embrace a bit of, lonely.