Last of the Fire Eaters

When Billy Graham passes away, in the not-too-far-off future, who will be left to stand for the truth? We live in a world where truth is continuously twisted, distorted, abused, manipulated, and stretched. We are all guilty of this on some level, including Rev Graham himself. But he was someone whose life purpose was simply to speak the truth. That's all he cared about, and all he lived for. It was, he felt, why God created him. 

In the history of some of the native tribes, there were people referred to as the "fire-eaters". These were people who were acknowledged by their tribes to be not only wise in mind, but people who spoke very powerfully and eloquently, and (most important), spoke truth with weight and conviction. These elders were consulted by the chief and the leaders of the tribe in the decisions. The crowd in a frenzied argument would hush and settle down immediately to listen to the "fire-eater." 

He who speaks with Fire. 

In light of his recent, and likely last public message, I can't think of a better epiteth for Reverend Graham. He was one who spoke  truth with Fire. Will he be the last great Fire-eater? 

Only the Lonely

I travel a lot for work. Those of you who are around me a fair bit in my circle in KC know this to be an understatement. I'm sure compared to an airline pilot or the Canadian Ambassador to Guyana, I don't travel that much. But for a husband and father of 5, I am gone an awful lot. 

Thing is, I actually really enjoy what I do for a living. There are 2 great regrets that I have as I examine my chosen "career" path. First, that the work requires so often that I am gone from my family. Not just gone, mind you, but gone for more than a day or two here or there. I am currently doing a job for a company that has me located in Junction City, KS. I am in my second week, and will be here a full month by the time my contract ends. I get to travel back to KC on the weekends, but that's it. 

The second great regret is that I have not had opportunity to earn my way with a pair of drumsticks in my hands. 


This is not only a disappointment, but a surprise as well. I fully and realistically expected that drumming and percussion would be the only marketable skill that I had in my repertoire. I keep telling myself that I wouldn't want drumming to become work, that it would spoil it for me, etc etc, but in truth I'm just bummed that it has never worked out. I never got that break, that open door, that phone call or email. I've had lots of close calls, but none have ever placed me in a position of making money with my drumsticks. 


Ironically, that's not what this blog post is about at all. Like I said, I do enjoy what I do, despite having to leave my family and beautiful (patient, saintly, wonderful) wife at home often. One of the main things that I enjoy about the work I do is that it is a good balance of technical know-how and relationships. I am a creature of relationship. Its what I was made for, and it's what I thrive on. I enjoy cultivating relationships with everyone that I work with. So it is with some surprise and dismay that I find myself in a very foreign position. I am lonely. 

Let me explain why this is foreign to me. Priscilla and I will be celebrating 14 years of marriage this September 4th, which means that she has been the central focus of my entire existence for close to 16 years now. Together we have 5 children, whom now all compete with my wife for their place in that focus. I am deeply involved with my band, Death & Desire, a brotherhood of 3 men determined to grab our little corner of the musical sphere by the throat and put it in a death grip and make it listen to what we have to say. I'm also very connected to a ton of close friends via different circles; music, church, work, etc. All of those relationships mean the world to me, and I try very hard to maintain and deeply commit to each of them. I try to keep the entire clock of cogs and gears and arms and wheels running in top shape, and at top speed. I love to fill my schedule with as much playtime with kiddos, dates with pretty wife, coffee/beer/moroccan/sushi with friends, playing drums at church, etc, etc, etc as I possibly can.

I really do honestly take a Carpe Diem approach to relationships in my life. As you can imagine, this makes for quite a busy schedule, brimming with connectivity and relationship. That is why this feeling of loneliness is so foreign to me. 


Last December, I felt God asking me to take some time to go and be in solitude on a sort of personal retreat. I did so with some trepidation because it was the first time I can remember in my life where I conscientiously sought out solitude. And it was wonderful. Because I wasn't alone, I was with the Lord. It was a great and amazing and perfectly humbling time, and I can't wait for the next time. 


But it also was not lonely. This is. Lonely is a feeling that jumps on you out of nowhere. It catches you totally off guard and brings sudden tears streaming down your cheeks as you go through the familiar ritual of saying goodbye to your family. Lonely squeezes your ribcage when you are driving down a highway at dusk and points out how alone you are. Lonely makes everything from fog to a song on the radio stab your soul with sharp stinging needles. I don't like lonely. Lonely sucks. 

I should pause for a moment here and give mention to the guys that I'm working with on this job. They are really great guys. I get along very well with them. We have eaten numerous lunches and even a couple dinners together already, and I am enjoying building relationship with them. But they head to their respective lives directly after work. I don't see them, and that is ok, because they are not like me with regards to relationship, and they don't need to be. 


But lonely still sucks. I'm not built for lonely. I'm built for speed. For life. For relationship. For the humming, whirring, clock of my existence, even with all its grease and mess and terrible maintenance. I'm built for more than lonely. 


Yet this seems to be where God has me, at least for the moment. Lonely. I know I'm not alone. He is here with me, just as He was in the little cottage on Lake Pomme De Terre in central Missouri. He is here. And I think, just maybe, He's wanting me to learn a thing or two about being lonely. 


Life will roll on. My weekends are already totally full, trying to desperately juggle all the pieces of my clock. I look forward to it. But I'm praying that I can learn from, and maybe even embrace a bit of, lonely.  

Truth

"A fundamental mistake of the conservative side of much of the Western church is that its basic goal is to get people into heaven rather than to get heaven into people."

-Dallas Willard

Holy Holy Holy

So I’ve been reading The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges, which has been kicking my butt every time I pick it up. It’s so chock full of amazing insight into the Holy character of God, and following in His footsteps. One thing that Bridges establishes right from the get-go is that God’s perfect holiness is something we can never attain, but that we should nonetheless be headed in that direction. To quote, “God does not accept the excuse ‘Well, that’s just the way I am,’ or even the more hopeful statement, ‘Well, I’m still growing in that area of my life.’ No, God’s holiness does not make allowance for minor flaws or shortcomings in our personal character.”

Wow. Taken out of context, this quote could pretty much destroy someone’s attempts at personal growth. “Why bother? I’ll never be as holy as God. In fact, I’ll never be holy enough to merit anything but death.” True, but that is the wonder of God’s grace. His Son covered our sin, our shortcomings, our minor flaws, our everything. Because of Him, we can stand in front of God and be recognized as holy.

Obviously Paul was clear that this isn’t an excuse to abuse that grace. Yet in a way, I think that is exactly what happens when we accept the compromises in our lives that echo the quote above. There are areas in all of our lives that we write off or excuse through similar statements. Whether these are made publicly, or voiced quietly inside our minds at night in our rooms, these are statements that do 2 things. First, it acknowledges that we accept compromise. Second, it turns us away from the offer of grace that God has extended through Christ.

This is the great dichotomy of the Christian life, that we know we will never be anything other than sinners deserving of death, yet we will never see that death because of Christ’s great sacrifice for us. He died for our sins, whether or not we accept Him, or choose to follow Him.

As I’ve spent time processing the weight of this book with God, I’ve realized that I have a tendency to see evidence of this in others’ lives. There is a point of (almost) righteous indignation that allows me to point a finger at someone else who I see as accepting compromise in their lives. Someone who says, “that’s just the way I am” in effect questions God’s ability to change them. In its own way, it is a terrible compromise. But, it’s also not a damned bit of my business. Here is the point where the Holy Spirit gently reminds me of the log in my own eye, and I’m forced to look at my own life, my own choices, and yes, my own compromises. For all the huffing, puffing, and posturing, I am chief among sinners. I have so many areas of compromise in my life that it twists me into a dark, festering, wounded ball of self-loathing and guilt. Yet when I examine these areas, I end up wanting to hold on to the compromises like Gollum to the One Ring. And, like sad Gollum, these compromises continue to corrupt and distort the longer I hold to them.

Yet I think that true freedom comes from the revelation that God never intended for us to strive for holiness in our own strength. First, He sent His Son to die for us, opening the door to Love, vibrant, shaking, terrible, awesome Love that covers all. Second, He sent the Holy Spirit as a comforter, encourager, lifter of our heads. There is SO much wrapped up in the gift of God’s grace. But he does require holiness. He does require growth. His Character is such that He can only demand it. So, despite He completing 99.999% of the work, there is still a conscious action that we must take.

We must commit. We must pursue living with no compromise. We must try to live holy lives, focusing each day not on our flaws and shortcomings, but focusing on the gift given to us. We must pray and seek God’s grace, His Mercy, and His Love, but we must seek His Face in the light of His Holiness. As Bridges says in the book, “The holiness of God is an exceedingly high standard, a perfect standard. But it is nevertheless one He holds us to. He cannot do less.”

And so we press on. Through Christ, and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we truly can “be holy, for I am Holy.”

Easter Sunrise Service

Easter has always been a wonderful time of year for me, because growing up in Nigeria, we celebrated Easter in a wonderful way. Good Friday was a holiday, but a solemn one, with a contemplative service in the evening. 

Easter Sunday morning was one of my favorite traditions of all time, because we had a sunrise service out by the dam. It was so cold, and I remember seeing cars pulling up in the darkness, and families getting out their lawn chairs and blankets, setting them up to the east, over the other side of the reservoir.

 I always remember the begrudging attitudes I had when getting up, not wanting to be up that early, but combined with an excitement for the day. I don't remember much of the content of the actual service, but obviously the gist of it isn't hard to imagine. What I do remember were the sunrises themselves. I may be totally biased, but I remember those as some of the most magnificent sunrises anywhere that I have ever seen.

 I don't know if the sunrise did the service justice, or the other way around, but either way, they worked perfectly in tandem. There is no greater metaphor in my mind for Christ's resurrection than a sunrise. And so, with every sunrise that I see, I'm reminded of those Easter Sunday services, shivering in a blanket by the edge of a dirty brown reservoir in Jos, Nigeria. And more than that, I'm reminded of the power of Christ's resurrection. The power He gives to us through His Holy Spirit. And I'm reminded that, if He conquered death and paid for our sins all in one deft blow, there will be many more sunrise reminders, just for me. 

Responsibility

It seems that society loosely defines responsibility as "doing the things you have to do instead of the things you want to do." This is often referring to a job, or career. Someone who spends their time loafing around, living off the goodwill of others, doing whatever they want would certainly be defined as "irresponsible." As a musician, I would prefer to spend most, if not all, of my time creating music and helping others to do so. But I am not one of the priviledged few whose music provides for their sustenance and their family's needs, so I take on work to cover the bills and provisions. I firmly believe I'm supposed to, as a husband, and a father. I would never put my family's well-being and survival at risk to pursue any of my musical goals. Yet, I am faced with the same dilemma that many deal with, which is that of my provisory work taking so much of my time, focus, energy, and commitment that I have hardly anything left with which to fuel my creative process. Working to make enough money to free up my time to pursue music means that I have no time to pursue music. Quite a dichotomy. One that many can relate to. Also, unfortunately, one that has caused the death of much talent, vision, and creativity far too soon. So many of my friends whose creativity was a bright shining light have chosen to hang up their guitar, sticks, and their talents. This is so sad to me, and also very scary. There is a constant tearing of two worlds from my perspective. One is work. It must be done, and it must be done very well and thoroughly. I am not the sort of person to rush or half-ass a job simply because my heart isn't in it. And so I dive in deep to solve problems, make things happen, etc. I am proud of my work, even when it's largely wasted on a drunk audience. The other is my creativity. This is the world I would MUCH rather be in, because it is not only deeply fulfilling, but it is also a lot easier for me to connect with and worship God. So the dilemma exists. And it is a long-term one. Yet I'm left wondering if this isn't the way it should be anyways. Having this constant tearing has not led me to a place of hanging up my sticks. In fact, it has driven me harder in the other direction. It has allowed me to savor the few moments when creativity flares like a struck match. It has made me proud to say that I am a musician, because that is what is in my heart, if not what is filling my bank account. Slowly I'm coming to the place of realizing that the tearing IS my muse. There is no art without urgency, and so my promise to myself is likewise urgent. I will never ever hang up my sticks. I will never get to a place of telling the "I used to" stories. In the midst of the tearing, I will never let my talent and creativity die. God didn't put me here for that.

Prophetic? Pathetic?

The last few weekends at church the focus has been on the “prophetic”, and last Sunday the church hosted a service which was designed to allow people to participate in and practice the ideology of the prophetic. The service was split into three sections, each catering to a different group. First section was geared towards the corporate body, and as people had a word directed towards the church as a whole, they shared publicly from the stage. The second section was more individual in nature, with several “prophetic” teams consisting mostly of elders, pastoral staff, and a few others. Those in the congregation were invited to come to one of the teams and be ministered to.  The third section was along the same lines, in that it provided opportunity for anyone in the congregation to share with anyone else.  The worship team (which I was a part of) played during the service, lending ambience and vibe to the proceedings.

I have to say that the service was a little difficult for me.  I will confess that I’m fairly unfamiliar with the “prophetic” movement, and what little I know of it is tied to very negative experiences from the early 90s when the Vineyard movement in Ontario was just starting. Most of these experiences were uncomfortable, mainly consisting of people praying for me to receive some gift of the Holy Spirit, be it tongues, or prophesying, or something else; and the prerequisite for receiving this gift seemed to be a posture of faking it, yelling, speaking complete gibberish, and generally making a grand show of oneself. I have always been a firm believer that the Holy Spirit is a gentleman, and not prone to show-boating or requiring acts of public humiliation to draw near to Him and receive gifts from Him. Thus, when people browbeat me and said that I wasn't willing to act the way they saw fit, I withdrew and decided that I was quite content with all of the other great gifts the Holy Spirit had imparted to me. In fact, I have come to the conclusion more recently that I am having a difficult enough time being faithful with the gifts and talents that I already have, so I don’t really need to seek out adding others.

At this point, I’m certain it sounds like I have a big problem with prophetic ministry. In truth, I don’t at all. I have a problem when people attempt to package and formulate and REPLICATE the work of the Holy Spirit. When the Lord moves in someone’s life, it is a wonderful thing. I suppose it is reasonable to expect that others would want to replicate the experience, but I believe that sells one quite short of what God has in store for them. When a person receives a word of encouragement from the Holy Spirit for another person, or for a group of people, it is a very awesome thing, and it is always accompanied by guidance, direction, and confirmation. But when a person attempts to regurgitate that word in a different setting, for a different group, it has the potential to divert their attention from the Giver of the gift to the gift itself. This is not only wrong, but it’s sad, too, because often times people are so focused on what God said to another person that they miss what God is saying to them!

I have had to defend the gift of prophecy at times, too. Perhaps the main forum has been in my own mind, although I have had many conversations with others who are totally turned off by anything prophetic. The gift of prophecy, foresight, intuition, discernment, reading another’s “mail”, etc., can be an amazing thing when it is given and received in the way the Holy Spirit intends. It brings conviction to the sinner, encouragement to the down-trodden, and life to the dying. I do not claim to be a theologian, or a scholar, or anything of the sort. I am only stating my opinion and position on prophetic ministry. What I have learned and observed is this: when a word comes truly from the Lord, its ultimate end is to give glory to God. It does not destroy, break down, embarrass, single out, condemn, or deride. The work of the prophetic is to challenge, convict, encourage, edify, build up, restore, and reconcile all to God. This has been my litmus test for many different words of prophecy, spoken not only to me, but to others as well.

With that in mind, I am reflecting back on our service last Sunday. There was some weirdness, certainly, but there was actually a lot of encouragement. There were strange visions shared, and there were words given which seemed out of place and ill-suited for the setting. But God is a lot bigger than our ability to mess up, thankfully, which is why I find myself excited about the potential of prophetic ministry at our church. I’m grateful for a staff that, despite their own misgivings, is willing to wade into the river and risk the bad to get to the good. Because while the bad stuff sucks, and can be distracting and divisive; the good stuff is REALLY good!